Hello tribe,
I hope this week has brought you some new experiences and as always some healing. I want to talk about emotionally unavailable partners. This has been a huge subject this past week with my clients. It never fails that many of my sessions are revolving around a similar theme.
There are two parts of this dynamic I want to discuss that often get left unnoticed or misunderstood. When we are attracting an emotionally unavailable partner, it is because there is a part of ourselves we are emotionally unavailable to (INNER CHILD). But also because we may fear intimacy and not even know it. We may not be completely rooted in our own authentic emotions and for this reason, we fear that others might leave us too. One way to check this out is to see how you show up in relationships, especially when you start to feel an emotional attraction or attachment.
Attachment styles are huge with highly sensitive people. As a highly sensitive person, you were naturally not mirrored by your environment because society has been in an emotional darkage. So when you are not properly mirrored emotionally, you start to have shame about what you feel. When you start to attach to someone, you may become afraid of that level of intimacy and you may create a scenario to detach.
Many of us understand that our triggers are founded in misperceptions. Or we feel like we intellectually “understand” our wounding, but yet our subconscious mind has not gotten on board.
The subconscious mind cannot get on board with our healing journey until we do the inner child integration. We must relate to ourselves in a purely authentic way. We must stop abandoning our authentic feelings. We need to stop playing societal games of playing hard to get or covering our vulnerability. I do not suggest being emotionally vulnerable with people we do not yet trust. But I do suggest becoming emotionally vulnerable with yourself and making sure you create that sacred unconditional space for what you feel.
I hear all the time about how people tell themselves they should change how they feel or they know better or they should be over something by now. That creates separation inside ourselves. Anytime we are CONDITIONAL with how we feel, we are telling our inner child that it needs to be different or it is wrong for feeling what it feels. We are in a sense doing to ourselves what society and emotionally unintelligent people have done to us all along.
We need to do the counterintuitive thing. We need to become the safe haven for our own emotional wounds, misinterpretations, and wounds. We need to anchor our attachment to ourselves so that we don’t have anxiety as we wait for another.
Think about this. Have you ever felt anxiety after a few dates because you started to feel attached and the other person was not confirming it? I heard this three times today in my sessions. My answer was to stop waiting for someone you “barely know” to attach to you emotionally. That is just an old wound waiting for Mom or Dad (the only two people in the world you knew) to securely attach to you. The reality now is that there are billions of people in the world. If this one does not attach, there are many more.
We truly need to upgrade our inner child’s reality to match the one we really are living in today and not the other way around.
We can reparent these experiences by being the CHANGE at the time of the trigger.
I hope this message serves you well and here is a video to go along with the message.
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS
Have a blessed weekend,
Candace
