Why Do I Attract the Narcissist?
Hello beautiful souls!
You know I love talking about inners wounds and there’s a massive connection between inner childhood wounds and attracting narcissistic or toxic relationships. I’m going to talk all about that here.
So, I often refer to myself as the wounded healer, but really what I do is practice a combination of Spiritual Psychology, Reiki, holistic health amongst other healing modalities and I put them all together to get to the deeper wounds behind our patterns, in relationship, in sense of self and generally in life. And really aligning our whole true self, are healed self with the life of our dreams that we’re here to actually live.
So, what are the biggest subjects that comes up a lot in my work is narcissistic abuse and toxic relationship patterns. Some of you probably already know that I am busy designing my latest course called Emotional Rehab, which is exactly this – healing inner wounds to stop attracting narcissist toxic people of any kinds whether it being a relationship, friendship, boss, work – whatever. It is a whole dynamic that goes on and once we start to really become aware and put in these boundaries and heal these wounds, we start to kind of shift all of those areas at once.
I have my own stories about this which I can’t wait to share in the course, but for now, I want to just explain pretty briefly that our inner wounding is really an emotional arrest in childhood. A trauma is when we have extreme stress that we’re unable to process or handle and it gets stuck. We get emotionally stuck in that situation forever until we do the healing work.
So, a lot of times adults will come to me in their life… but I know better – it’s called a bypass. Yes! Your adult self knows, but your inner child wound is still at the age of the wounding. So, what we have to do is not think to heal, but feel to heal so that we can integrate the head and the heart and we can become whole.
We can heal that emotional wounding. We can heal that stress, that PTSD or sometimes it can go in big cases personality disorder issues or symptoms. When you are wounding and there’s this sort of disordered emotional experience, this arrested stressful emotional experience, you are a perfect match to someone else that has also had that which would be someone like a narcissist.
Many people think that narcissists are just super confident and love themselves. That’s just their false selves, that is their external so that they can sort of bank on that and have this persona. The truth behind a narcissist is that it’s the opposite. They were also wounded in childhood. It’s a deep, deep rejection wound. It is a belief that who I truly am is not enough and not lovable, so I will create this false overt façade of confidence. An image that is very important, because truth and authenticity is void and not trusted. So, they are very much into the image of who people think they are.
Overt narcissists are very social. So, they have a lot of social acquaintances, they’re never going to fully deeply know the intimate workings of you and that issue in that pain. Covert narcissist can be both, but usually they just have this perfect image of… I run the charity, I bring my kids to sports, I’m awesome, but then at home it’s control and it’s demanding and it’s perfectionism and it’s high criticism. People who have inner child wounds attract this because we don’t have this sort of discernment to know that we don’t deserve that because our sense of identity is flawed. Our true self was never fully anchored, we never grew up feeling and by the way this is a non-blame game, there’s no blaming. Parents did the best that they could.
We were in an emotional Dark Age and we’re still coming out of it. So, those emotional tools that were needed to be in this world right now lacked in many cases. When we grow up with emotional wounds or unmet emotional needs in certain ways, we grow up with an uncompleted sense of self or not a sense of who we truly are. We have a lot of self-worth issues. We have a lot of self-esteem issues.
We decide we’re gonna go to this ideal, because we’re afraid of what the real is. Is the real enough? Can I control it? Can I be safe?
I just want to get to the specifics, because so many people write me and say, why the heck am I attracting this? Because you have some wounding and you need to understand this dynamic. You can have boundaries around it and we can do that in your work that will then translate into a new outer reality.
But yes if you’re attracting narcissists or toxic people, there is something within you that needs to be strengthened or healed or understood in a new way and we can do all this work and… yes, it takes time.
People want like immediate. What do I do? How to get over it? If you’ve been in this pattern for years it’s gonna take a little bit of time to undo it. It’s gonna take a little bit of time to unravel and find what I call the original wound. What happened that gave you the idea that you’re not enough being exactly who you are?
And so I attract people that remind of that, that criticize me, that abuse me in some way, that need me to be there to fulfill THEIR NEEDS, but are never really about mine. Just something to look at.