The Abandoned Self
What does it mean to abandon the self? Many of us form these coping mechanisms early on in life to keep us safe and to survive our environment. However, as we get older and mature, we start to notice that those coping mechanisms that once kept us safe are now keeping us stuck in what I would call a “prison”. But what is this prison? This prison is keeping us away from the true authentic self.
It’s really amazing as a coach to see that when I start to offer spaces up for new clients, those new clients are all in this same place, like this collective consciousness. It finds me and I find them and it’s attracted to each other. And it’s super beautiful, because I get to go even deeper into these things that I’ve had to learn that I now will hone in on intuitively and the healing becomes so obvious to me. So, this one that I want to talk about is abandoning self.
Anyone who has a codependent pattern life, love addiction and food addiction… any type of thing that keeps you away from self or that is something you’ve developed in life to keep you safe and a way to get your needs met often times starts turning against you and becomes your prison. What that means is we’ve put something in place that got our needs met, because being who we truly are as a child, being exactly as we were was not loved or accepted unconditionally.
So, we found ways to make ourselves acceptable or pleasing or safe… Let’s just say, safe and what happens is those things that we put in place that we’re not our true selves, but parts of a false self or parts of something that we decided we needed to do to get that feeling of love and acceptance.
As we get older and as we mature in life and as we awaken we realize that all we really want to do is be who we truly are in the world and if we’re not being who we truly are we’re not in alignment with our higher purpose.
So many people come to me saying, “How the heck can I align with what I’m here to do? How can I be the best version of myself?” And that’s inner healing my friends. That is healing these wounds and replacing these coping mechanisms we’ve put in place with our true authentic needs, but in order to do that, we need to get rid of the coping mechanisms. We don’t do that by having shame and fearing things. We do that by understanding and having forgiveness. Understanding the reasons we put these mechanisms in place to begin with.
What I want to show you is your inner child who created these mechanisms which was a brilliant thing, because she or he knew that this was probably the only way they were to get their needs met and feel safe in the world and feel seen. But now it’s different. Now that you’ve learned about life and you have experience and your awakening to a different understanding of self, you are wanting your authenticity back, because we know that the only power we really have and the only joy we’ll ever really experience comes from within. Well, we can’t own that and be that unless we’re reclaiming that.
You know so many of us who have codependent patterns learn to look externally. One of the top patterns of codependency that I see is focusing on others so that we don’t have to feel this stuff that we feel, this rejection of self is abandonment. We focus on others or we do do do do do and we focus on getting things done and being busy.
Distraction. A lot of people are drinking, shopping, having love addiction. These things distract us from the self that we have abandoned so that when we’re alone, we don’t have to feel it. So we’re never alone. We’re always doing, we’re always in a relationship, we’re always doing things so we don’t have to feel those anxious feelings of void – avoider self. And so what I’m here to remind you of is to reclaim the self, to stop abandoning the self. What that means is to look at these coping mechanisms you’ve put in place of focusing on others, of love addiction of whatever it is for you.
Don’t judge the coping mechanisms, but notice them and say, “Holy cow! I have fear about becoming the person I really want to become, because I don’t trust myself to not put the mechanisms of focusing on others before myself.” One client, I’ll just mention, was a perfect example who telling me how she has this goal of losing weight, but she’s really afraid of having a consistent pattern and she doesn’t know why. Immediately, I saw that she had the fear of having this pattern, because she didn’t trust herself. If anything that comes up that needs to be done or anyone else’s need comes up, she knows she will abandon herself and her need to lose weight. It’s really about choosing self without the guilt.
See, most of us with codependent patterns were also born in an environment when we were trained that attuned with others is how we stay safe and loved, but what I have done, what I have to teach and what I try to help people understand is that… that is the lie. The truth is when I attune to myself, I get to love myself. I get to fill myself. I get to fulfill my own needs, be who I truly am and be what I’m here to be in the world and then I’m able to help others, serve others, cater to others… but it’s not about attuning to others.
I have another client who feels guilty when she puts herself first, because she’s afraid others won’t agree. That’s about the “permissions slips” and if you guys are doing my Self Love Master Class, you know all about this, because there’s a whole lesson on the “permission slip”. We look to people authority figures for permission, anyone outside of us to give us permission that it’s okay to tune in to ourselves and this needs to end.
I love you guys.