My Heart Was In the ER
This year on Valentines Day I found myself in the Emergency Room! It all started on the flight from Los Angeles to Reno. As we were landing I experienced as intense pain that I can only describe as something I had never experienced before and would rather die then feel ever again. It was all encompassing, my entire head not just one region. It felt like it was exploding over and over again. For about 8 hours I tried everything to ease this pain. Aspirin, extra strength tylenol, relpax (migraine medication) with NO relief! The pain grew at a constant pace, more and more intense, making it difficult for me to do anything. All I could do was hold my head and rock from side to side praying and begging that this pain would start to subside. Eventually my Doctor called in a heavy duty pain killer that was sure to help as I have been known to have migraines and shingles earlier this year . . . but hours later still NO relief! That evening I had no choice but to go to the Emergency Room for further help!
I arrived to the ER and did the routine tests. Nothing was making sense so they decided to give me an IV of Morphine! Normally morphine will take away any and all pain but for me it did NOTHING except make me dizzy. They added motrin and a couple other pain killers to the Morphine drip and to their amazement I was in the SAME extreme pain. After a couple hours I got a cat scan and again to their surprise, everything was normal.
While I was laying on the gurney with Morphine pumping through my veins and pain that I could not discribe with words, my thoughts began to shift. I am not sure if it was because of the level of pain or some other reason, but all of a sudden it all made sense to me. I saw that nothing was stopping this pain and nothing was causing this pain “OUTSIDE” of myself.
This was an inside job. I began to almost hear my pain speaking to me and it said “You can stop this”, “You have created this pressure”, “No one can cause you more pain than you cause yourself”. “Nothing outside of you can take your pain away unless you take it away from yourself.” “But first you must Let Go”. This was so clear and simply yet equally profound. I listened deeper as the spliting pain in my third eye or forehead (right between my eyes) began to intensify. It was as if it was opening, as weird as that sounds.
As the pain continued I was watching myself surrender to it. By surrendering too it I was able to hear what it was saying more clearly. I know this sounds super weird to some of you but I am only discribing my experience in a way I can with the discription that suits it. The clear message was that It is 100% ok and preferred to be, feel and honor all parts of myself fearlessly. Good and bad, dark and light are all the same. Judgements I feel are only my own, never from God. I was literally being down loaded with some pretty profound yet simple truths as I lay there helpless or so I thought. This was the time for me to get really REAL and committ FULLY to living (IN LOVE).
I heard “something” I will say “my pain” asking me if I was done doing this to myself. If I was done living in my HEAD so much and if I was ready to surrender to my HEART completely and the wisdom I have discovered there. It needed to be a COMPLETE let go because my head was literally about to explode. No more half in and half out, it was time to play BIG. I said “YES”. I no longer had any fear of what that would look like as this old idealistic idea I have had about life had been trumped recently by the profound joy I had been experiencing by simply connecting to my intuition and true feelings or what I like to call “authentic self” on a daily basis.
In the past I had this BIG misinterpretation about being true to myself. I knew how to live this way, but would take myself out of it or DISconnect from my heart by placing judgment on my own feelings. All judgement lives in the HEAD, it is not the widsom of the heart. When we are not being true to our feelings and allowing them we are cutting ourselves off from our own love and we begin to look for it outside. (THIS NEVER WORKS)!
Laying there I literally came into the Knowing that my greatest JOY and FREEDOM was not from anything other than HONORING everything that was true and real for me. In essence ALLOWING myself to BE MYSELF and LOVE all of it 100% and all the time 😉 it is the biggest committment we will ever make and the one that can save our lives amongst other things. I was ready and it was exciting to observe this in myself.
Needless to say, I made a pact with God and Myself that I will live in my heart. The pressure I felt in my head that night, I believe was a manefestation of all the mental PRESSURE I had unconsciously been putting on myself my entire life and I was ready for the RELEASE. I got a first hand peek at how it is we may create dis-ease and pain inside our bodies. By seeing how I was treating myself with my thoughts was a wake up call indeed. We all kind of know these things intellectually but sometimes we can not embrace them until we “experientially” GET IT.
This all happened 5 days ago. I am home now and just visited the Doctor in LA as my pain is still present although much much less than 5 days ago. I had an EKG and I had an ultrasound on my Heart. It was so neat as I got to see my heart and it was literally the PERFECT shape of a heart 😉 It made it very real to see my heart and make the committment to it face to face 😉 I will have additional tests next week but I know God’s got this.
For me, I believe this is my physical transformation from head to heart! This is exciting and I tear up thinking about it. If we can all learn to truly LOVE all of ourselves all of the time, I bet we would all be a lot healthier and happier and more Self Actualized.
LOVE & LIGHT