Hello beautiful friends!
If you’ve been around for a while then you know how much I love talking about emotional wounds. But one of the big effects of having some inner work to do is we attract narcissistic partners or toxic people. In this video, I’m going to tell you the number one way to win in those scenarios.
Narcissistic relationships are narcissistic abuse in relationships. It can be a huge question mark until you really start to realize what it is. Why are you attracting it? And how to really heal from this pattern. There’s a few different steps to it. The first thing is oftentimes when we are attracting a narcissistic partner, it’s to wake us up to the reality that we were born into what we may not even realize yet was abusive or toxic. Or the way that we have developed our sense of self or the lack of emotional connection. Mirroring. Attachment trauma. Few different reasons, but what I want to talk about today is a narcissistic relationship or a narcissistic person I should say… someone who we sort of cater to.
It’s someone that we are attracted to because they’re very confident or charismatic or has a big personality. By the way, there’s also covert and overt narcissist. The covert narcissist is a person who’s not super obvious, but probably pretty perfectionistic and idealistic and controlling undercover and treats you a whole different way at home than they appear to others. They will always appear to others as being Mr. and Mrs. Perfect and behind closed doors a bit of a nightmare. You can’t be yourself. You walk on eggshells. You feel like “who I am isn’t enough”.
The overt narcissist is the super obvious party guy who is loud and likes to be the center of attention. He/She is very overtly confident, but internally not at all. You just don’t know that yet. He/She seems to have a lot of friends, a lot around at all times, because that is the narcissistic supply. The narcissistic supply is anything and everything that can validate them at all times.
So, if you’re dating one of these people, you are the narcissistic supply. You’re a people pleaser. You’re emphatic. You’re really sensitive. You’re really kind. You’re really loving. You’re really uncertain of yourself. And if you are certain to self, you still look outside of yourself for some type of confidence.
The reason we attract this is because it’s what we’re used to on a very interesting energetic emotional level. If you were a kid and you don’t think you had an abusive parent, but you found yourself in scenarios all the time where you would have to sort of feel guilty about what you felt or give up what you felt to please another… Or what you really were and really wanted didn’t fit in alignment with what was approved of or this image that your parents had or this image that society had. Something about you wasn’t fully loved and wasn’t fully approved of. So, you’re constantly looking for this external validation and you find it in a narcissistic partner who feels like confidence… ah this is what’s gonna heal my inner wound of insecurity or uncertainty or just a little bit lack of confidence or belief in myself.
The narcissistic partner makes love bombs at the beginning whether they’re overt or covert, they will love bomb you. You will be the object of their affection. You will be the one that is everything. You will basically have this fairy tale at the beginning. But, little by little, as they get their supply, what starts to happen is they start to devalue you a little bit. You’re doing this wrong, you’re not really doing the supply the way that I need. You’re not really fulfilling my needs and the way that I need you to. And, little by little, you stop living for you and start living for them to the point where you are totally like… who am I?
Maybe you lost yourself. Maybe you let some of your dreams go for this fantasy dream that they promised they will never give you. The relationship is probably a little bit push-pull, give or take, dramatic, where you never really know fully where you stand or that big commitment you’re waiting for is never quite happening until XYZ. There’s always a little bit of distance. There’s always a little bit of a commitment issue on their part. There’s always a little bit of… well, you need to fix this before you get that. There’s always an excuse.
What happens over time, because now you’re stuck in that cycle, is you then start to feel like you’re devalued and you start devaluing yourself to the point where you keep allowing this shit, right? And then you get to the point where you’re like… gosh, does this person even like me? If it gets to the worst part of being a narcissistic abusive relationship, they will discard you as if you never existed and move on with someone else within five seconds. Or you get stuck in that sort of wash cycle of they keep coming back, keep coming back, keep coming back, maybe this time will be different. I need to know that they love me. I need to know that I’m not alone. I need to know that they still want me.
What that’s about is because you have lived so much for them. When they’re not around, you don’t know where they stand. The healing from these relationships is self-love. Sounds so silly. Oh self-love! Big deal though. When you start to realize that you are not being loved the way that you deserve, when you start to realize that you have given up your own value of self for the value of another, when you have stopped being loyal to your soul so you can be loyal to their needs… Wow crazy scary right?
We get stuck in this cycle and don’t realize… where am I? Where are my dreams? What, where is the life that I’ve been wasting all this time for?
So, it’s about really realizing self-care. What would someone who loves themselves do? What would I be doing if I really cared about me not them, not how they think of me, but me. Why do I put them on a pedestal when they treat me like this? We get stuck in this abusive cycle where we don’t even realize it, because maybe it was a pattern as a child. I shouldn’t think about my needs. I feel guilty when I think about myself. I should put someone else first. They’re more successful than me, they’re more beautiful… what the heck, right?
But you were probably never taught that your needs are number one. Instead, what a lot of us grow up thinking in this society is… maybe the reason I didn’t get what I need is because I’m not enough. So, instead of ever realizing that’s true and really paying attention myself I’m gonna have a distraction in the form of a narcissistic partner or God knows what else, right?
But that’s one of the biggest distractions for people who aren’t super in love with themselves. So, what do we have to do? Boundaries. I talk about it a lot. I just had a video released last week called, “Boundaries for Empaths”. The truth is the boundary needs to be… when they call you’re not available. When you feel that inner energetic pull, you do something else. When you’re worried about what they’re thinking, you change subject. It’s almost like an addiction you’re breaking.
How do we break an addiction? We have something in place of it for a while and that’s gonna be self-care. It’s the hardest thing in the whole world to do, especially when you’re really anchored to another person rather than your own self and it’s sad, isn’t it? But it happens to so many of us.
The number one way you’re gonna win with this is by loving yourself more than they’ve ever loved you. And loving yourself more than you love them. Huge! But why haven’t we? Do we even know what that looks like? Do we even know what that is? It’s time to invest in it. Whenever I’m coaching a client about how to quit this cycle, not only is it self-love, but it is having a boundary that doesn’t even feel right, right now. The boundary is… I’m not available. You have no contact.
If that’s too hard right now, because when you do no contact you have the anxiety cycle come up, which I know about and the emptiness that’s in. I’ve replaced my own self with them and now they’re gone and now I’m empty and I’m gonna die of this anxiety. When the anxiety comes up, you need to fill it with you. What can I do to remind myself of me? What can I do to care for me? What can I do to love me? What would I do that they wouldn’t do?
When the anxiety comes up because you are having a very healthy boundary of, not sharing what you’re feeling emotionally with them. When you let them know how you’re feeling or how sad you are… power and control. That’s the narcissist number one key, power and control. To take your power back and be back in control, you can’t give them the control and let them know how you feel… you cannot do it.
It’s not about being authentic when it comes to a narcissist. It’s about having authentic communication with healthy relationships, because that’s how we heal everything. But when it comes to a narcissistic partner or a toxic relationship, with those types of people who have personality disorders or symptoms of a personality disorder, being authentic does nothing good for you, because they’re not being authentic with themselves or you.
And so for you to be authentic with your own feeling, get real about how you feel so you can heal is one thing. Sharing it with them will give your power away. So, what I want you to do for the first month if you’re new at this… Do not give your power “Emotional truth” away, because then they have manipulation tactics.
Narcissists are huge emotional manipulators. They can manipulate, because you are empathic and sensitive and you are so caring and externally available. You are transparent. And what I need you to do for the first month, specifically is not be transparent with them, but keep that all for you.
This is how we have and build the base of self-love and self-care to finally break free of this cycle. Do not share your emotional truth with them. Have a big fat boundary in there. You’re not available every second that they need you. You can feel them, because now you’re so hooked into their needs that you forget that those aren’t yours. To find yours, you have to unhook from their needs.
Strong boundaries and keeping your emotional truth to yourself are huge, huge, huge! The final thing that you will always win at which takes time to get there is no contact. Not ever. I know it’s tough. I’m going to be doing a lot more videos on this.