How Codependency Starts & Ends
Hey guys! The theme with a lot of my videos lately has been about reclaiming power and finding home and security within. One of the reasons so many people don’t find home and security in their own power within is because there’s this cycle of codependency that we’re being conditioned into without even knowing it. I’m going to show you some of the ways that this happens without even knowing it. Showing you how it sort of plays out in relationships, friendships, work relationships and how to end this cycle of giving our power away or thinking it’s somewhere outside of us and coming home to your truth.
If you’re new to my channel, I’ll share a brief description of me as I’ve been doing this work for 20 years. My own story of my original wounding happened in childhood when I was labeled with ADHD at the age of seven, because I had different thoughts, creative thoughts that didn’t fit into the structure of the system. At the time, the best way for them to deal with kids like me was to put them on a drug to make them conform to the system’s way. I spent a lot of years sort of undoing the emotional wounds that happened because of that.
One of those huge emotional wounds was really not being able to claim my own truth, my own perception of reality, trust my own self-instincts and thought processes, because I was told from a young age that they were wrong and I should do them differently.
As I coach many, many people who go through this, I noticed that it is one of the root causes of codependent behavior, of love addicted behavior and other kinds of addictive behavior with relationship issues of basically a disconnect from their own inner guidance. And so after many, many years of healing my own wounds and studying many others and helping many others, I really want to talk about this one subject, because I see it as a theme in almost every one that I see.
There is some sense of thinking they’ve given away their power in some way. There’s some sense of not trusting themselves in some way. There’s some sense of them compromising themselves in some way. And the root belief systems behind that is… because if I totally own myself and do it my way, I will either get rejected, I will be left out, I won’t like the others, I will be different, I will be alone and/or I will be unlovable – I’m unworthy.
So, this pattern as you can see plays out in so many different ways, but the interesting thing and the thing that I really love to focus on a lot is seeing it in our relationships. A lot of people who have this experience are born highly sensitive. Highly sensitive people think differently. They think outside the box. They don’t have extreme boundaries. I call them internal and external boundaries, because we feel too much. There’s too much empathy. Your feelings are my feelings. Also a lot of people are actually created into hyper-vigilant behavior or high sensitivity, because there was a lack of boundaries. So, it’s both.
Regardless when there is a lack of boundaries, meaning I’m not sure what I feel when I’m around this experience, emotions, power, authority, whatever… I don’t know what mine is, I mold into yours or I start to feel weird, because of my conditions. This is very conditional living. When we feel like that, when there’s no boundary of that self-trust… thinking “Oh, this doesn’t feel good, but I’m not gonna speak up just in case I’m wrong.” We have a lot of issues and relationships when that happens, because we date people or marry people who are narcissistic or have a “false confidence” that we don’t have or we date people who are literally crazy, because we go with the flow.
The root cause of all of those relationship issues in my opinion is not having your own voice, totally attached to your own self meaning. I just coached a client this morning that was a very good example of this and I won’t mention names. She would do what we call, freeze. There’s fight, flight and freeze. She would freeze in the face of fear and I asked her what she really was afraid of. I asked here, “Are you afraid of what that guy was gonna do to you?” She said, “Yes, I was very afraid of what would happen when he was gonna do what he was gonna do.” And I said, “I don’t think so. I think if you were to tell him… don’t do that, I don’t feel good with that, this is not gonna work… you’d be okay. But I think what you’re really afraid of is that you don’t trust yourself to protect yourself from something that doesn’t feel good, because you don’t trust what you feel.” She sat there and questioned why she did that.
I asked her why she doesn’t trust what she feels. This is why she gives her power away. So few of us are taught to follow what we feel, because like me as a child… if I follow what I feel, I’m not gonna be like the majority, which means I’m not gonna fit it, which means that it’s wrong.
If you start to realize that you need a drug, for me it was Ritalin, or you need an opinion or you need something to make you normal, you’re not gonna trust your naturalness. My story was coming full circle back to my naturalness and this happens a lot with kids that have a strong will like me, but it’s outside-the-box. People who have a strong will that works with the system and it’s inside the box are totally a different story. Usually people who have high sensitivity or boundary issues actually know exactly what’s right for them. They just don’t have the confidence to speak up on their own behalf, because they haven’t been trained that they can trust what they feel.
That is your inner guidance system. When we get real about how we feel, we heal these patterns of believing that you need to be any different than you are so you can fit into anything, that you need to conform in a way that doesn’t feel good to you or do anything because others want you to do it.
If I didn’t do the healing work then come back to self and come back to my inner guidance and come back to this ability I was given as a child to do things differently, to see the world differently, to think differently, I would never be doing this purposeful work that I came here to do. I would never have the guts to go on YouTube and be like, this is my story and this is what I feel about it.
All of us have the ability to own our truth and be exactly what we came here to be. My message today is healing these patterns of codependency, love addiction and unhealthy relationships, unhealthy relationship to self is at the core of not trusting self.