I do a lot of videos about healing the inner child. In this video, we are focusing specifically on the invisible child. What does that mean? How did you become this way and how do we heal it?
The invisible child is a child that wasn’t allowed to have emotions. The child that when having emotions and acting on behalf of how they felt were made to be wrong or bad or evil or ignored. And when our emotions aren’t felt, when our emotions aren’t shared, our emotions aren’t mirrored, we feel invisible. When we are not asked how we feel, we’re not considered and we grow up feeling invisible, like we don’t matter, because our feelings didn’t matter.
So, this plays out a lot in life. A lot of people create careers or go towards careers in life that make them feel seen – we are looking to be seen. We’re looking to be heard and felt and verified as perceptual reality. When we don’t have an experience early on, we are searching, searching, searching… and you guys know and talk about external experiences, external authorities, external validation all the time, because that is the only thing our bodies know how to do. Or we’re not getting it from within the home, we look out there.
By the way, when I talk about inner child, we’re going to talk about the invisible child, the lost child, all those things. There is no blame game. I really truly feel that emotional wounds are genetic. I call it “Emotional Genetic Imprint”. What that looks like is if our parents didn’t have what they needed, their parents didn’t have what they needed, we’re not going to get what we need. So, there’s this genetic emotional imprint.
I believe many light workers and highly sensitive people are here to break and heal for the last time that cycle of completion. What that looks like often times is you have to look outside yourself to get that thing that you didn’t get. And what’s interesting with the cycle of completion is you come back home to self, a place that no one ever taught you. You could heal from, you could validate from within. We were taught to look externally, but the people we look to externally didn’t work out, so we kept searching, searching, searching endlessly.
The never enough syndrome. It’s never enough, never enough validation, never enough money, never enough stuff, never enough attention, that’s part of it. We’re never really feeling seen until we truly see ourselves. And so coming home to self when you feel like you were the invisible child, that’s going to trigger in your intimate relationships and that triggers going to look like… I’m not lovable, I’m not being seen, they’re not hearing me.
You’re going to attract a lot of emotionally unavailable partners – men or women, but what I always say is we can only ever attract what we are and people get pissed when I say that. So, let me explain, because once I explain it, people usually have an AHA moment.
You’re not going to feel comfortable with a partner that is unavailable emotionally unless part of you is unavailable as well. What that usually looks like is we are only attracted to what we’re comfortable with. If someone would be fully emotionally available that means we would have to be and that scares the shit of a lot of us who felt invisible, because we don’t know what that is or we don’t feel safe sharing it, because that’s why we’re invisible. If we did share what we truly felt, we would get either ignored, we would get punished, or we would get rejected.
So, we learned to keep that part of ourselves pretty dang safe. If we were to be with a partner who’s fully intimate or emotionally available that brings up a lot of fear, a lot of threat, a lot of anxiety. What we’ve done to stay safe is pick someone consciously or unconsciously who is emotionally slightly or fully unavailable so that we can remain that way too.
For the invisible child, what’s so important in our healing is to become very visible with ourselves and with how we feel. Get real about how you feel so you can heal. When that trigger comes up and you go to your deflection or you go to that live full self. For instance, I had a client earlier today that was telling me how she’s working with this right now. She’s dating someone and the person she’s dating asked her if she’d like to come back to the house and hang out or go home. Her truth was she wanted to go back to the house, but she was so afraid that he was going to not want her there that she lied and wasn’t honest with herself and didn’t show her heart and vulnerability and said that she’d rather go home.
She kicked herself for three days about it, because she’s like… “honestly, now I have anxiety”. You have anxiety, because you’re not in your heart, you’re in your fear. So, how we start to really validate and see that part of ourselves that we’re hiding even to that intimate partner, even to that parent, even to that child, even to that best friend, even to this self.
As we look at that and we start acting on behalf of our truth, we start saying, “Oh yeah, I do want to go hang out to actually watch a movie or whatever.” Risking rejection, risking the person not wanting you, risking getting blamed or punished for what you feel, because ultimately the bigger risk is not being honest with yourself… then you’ll have anxiety and fear.
The invisible child has to make her/his emotions extremely visible to themselves and then to others and risk being rejected, because in the face of risking, you get to be who you truly are and you’re not invisible anymore. When you can be who you are and show it, you show up as feeling seen and heard. You may feel rejected, you may feel abandoned, but you’re not abandoning yourself.
That’s the thing we’re all so afraid of, we’re not afraid of other people really rejecting us or abandoning us, honestly, the original wound… yes, but as we get older… no. What we’re actually really afraid of when that fear response comes up is we’re afraid that we’re going to leave ourselves. We’re afraid that we’re going to lie and say something we don’t really feel and act in a way that will be acceptable for them, but not true for us.
When we’re reclaiming that inner child and making her or him feel totally seen and visible, we must act, speak and live in alignment with what’s real.
So, I hope you guys share this video if there’s someone you think needs to hear it.
Have a beautiful week.