Dear False Confidence . . .
I never knew what you were before. I didn’t know that you came into play to help me fake it till I made it. Often times I thought you were ME. You were a little bit tricky but also very good at what you did so I held onto you tight. I can remember the day I first adopted you as my supporter, safe zone and fearless persona. It was in high school when I was fighting for my true self but wasn’t strong enough yet to keep it. You were a big help and I thank you for that. You made some choices that I might not have made but I understand why now. You also thought that you knew it all because that was how you kept up your importance and let’s be honest, your survival.
The last few years have been incredibly enlightening. I have been shedding you even though I was not aware that it was you I was shedding. I felt like I was dying sometimes but it was just YOU that was being released. My true confidence wanted to be seen on her own and for that reason I had to test you, take away some of your tools and exchange them for my own natural abilities and desires.
You see you have helped me hide for a really long time. I was so afraid of rejection that I chose you instead. You gave me a really powerful wall to hide behind incase of rejection. When people would reject YOU, it didn’t hurt because you weren’t really ME.
But after many years I started longing to be seen, to be known, to be felt and to be myself IN THE WORLD. My hiding was no longer safe, it became my prison. This was really really really difficult for me the past 5 plus years, but it was the best most incredible choice I have ever made thus far. I couldn’t hide anymore but I was still so scared. I decided to surrender to my fear and let it kill me if it must. I discovered MANY MORE FEARS that I had previously just put behind that strong wall you gave me. I made a commitment to understand my fears by walking into not one, but ALL OF THEM. Little did I know that the saying was true, “everything you want is on the other side of fear”.
It was so liberating to realize that it was ME who was making me hide all along and it was me who was going to allow myself to be seen but that was going to be a lot of work that I needed to be ready for.
Here is the funny thing, the more fear I faced the more vulnerable I became and the more free I felt. I was called to write down my own process and it became a workbook that I published on Amazon called “Spiritual Fitness”. After I created the workbook I also made it into my 6 week online course SOUL LAB. The process of coming into your heart and living from your SOUL creates the abundance that is your True Self. You see, through this process of owning my true self, I found my true purpose.
As I would feel it, I would heal it. I allowed my deepest fears to sit within my body and be acknowledged, felt and heard. I started to grow excited about new experiences that brought up new fears because I saw each one as an opportunity to clear more of the wall. I knew that it was safe to feel because I had started replacing the wall with a deep layer of self awareness and respect. I came to realize that I would NEVER reject myself any longer and it truly did not matter if others did. It was ME I had been afraid of, not them. In the past I chose false confidence because I didn’t know how to OWN myself when others didn’t. In this society we are taught that the “authority”, author of US is outside of us but in fact it is within. The greatest source of love is your own. When we own ourselves and are unconditional about what we feel we deeply heal.
So, false confidence, thank you! Thank you for protecting me until I was strong enough to claim my power. We must learn that no one can take our power, it can only be given. The power of vulnerability is incredible and infectious. You become sure of yourself when you feel yourself because what you feel is what is real. In many ways it was worth the wait and now I am beyond passionate about sharing this work with the world. When we hide we are not FULLY ALIVE. For many years I was one foot in and one foot out. Many of us live like this until we understand that it’s not about winning or loosing. This journey is about expanding!
As the true self emerges you will feel joy in the simplest things. Just BEING is an exciting experience. Being without FEAR, being without threat, being without anything needing to be different than it is. You are the light, but you can’t embrace that when you are afraid of the shadow. Fear can only scare you because it is still HIDING in the dark. Don’t be afraid of the dark, it is waiting for you to turn on the light!